Temporary Insanity: Junstine’s Heart Breaks

If nothing is sweeter than first love then nothing hurts like the first time a heart gets broken. Though by the time I met Liam’s father my heart had been broken and mended a few times already. The scabs had gotten thicker and thicker that over time it feels nothing more than a dull pain every time a relationship ends.

I still I feel a little pinch in my heart every time I remember Ian, my first love. What a mess it was. It took a few years before I could get over the humiliation I felt after dating him. Looking back now, I am not even sure if we were in any kind of relationship at all.

Come to think of it, Ian was also a product of two races. His mother a young Filipina, worked in Japan as an entertainer and then later on married a Japanese man. These entertainers were called Japayuki, though I think it sort of demeaning to call them that. As I mentioned previously most of the Filipinos were leaving the country at that time and besides being domestic helpers this was the most popular choice of occupation abroad.

Unlike me though being a biracial didn’t affect Ian much for he was popular and was considered good looking. I guess his facial features were still similar to that of a typical Filipino, chinky black eyes and brown skinned. Sometimes I wonder what a native Filipino really looks like. I mean, since Magellan landed in the shores of Cebu, the natives have been inter marrying or having relations with every colonizer who ever step foot in the country. With the Spanish, the Japanese and Americans and even with the Chinese who later migrated there. I do not think any single Filipino has a pure blood in him. No wonder the Philippines itself, like me feels at odds with its neighbors in South East Asia. In terms of religion for example, we are the only majorly Catholic nation in the region.

I guess you can call it a cute meet, how I met Ian. He and his popular friends were playing volleyball in a small yard near the classroom where I was going to that day. I was lost in my thoughts and hugging a couple of thick books when the ball hit me. He came running towards me to apologize and help pick up my books which had fallen on the ground. Our eyes met and I thought sparks flew. Well at least on my side. I could not hide my embarrassment as my otherwise pale cheeks became tomato red. I was speechless and ran towards the room while Ian’s friends laughed and hooted. After that incident every time I pass Ian’s group of friends, they would heckle and tease Ian.

” Uy Ian! si tisay! Go on ask her name! ” Tisay is a slang for the word mestiza meaning a girl of mixed race with one part Filipina.

Ian would then walk beside me and ask me if he can help me carry my books. I was not immune to his charm as he would smile sweetly but I did not know how to respond as I was used to shying away from any unwanted attention. His friends would laugh loudly when again I would run away from them.

Ian was flirtatious with me when he was with his friends but every time I ran into him while he was walking with his girlfriend, Juliet he would pretend not see me. I think now that was the lure that got me entangled in a web. I was in that phase of my young adolescent life where I have already concluded that being a wife is the most boring thing a woman can be. I was then living inside the novel Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. I was obssesed with Countess Olenska. She was so mysterious, enigmatic compared to May the colorless wife of Newland. Countess Olenska and Newland’s hopeless and unfilled love made me toss and turn a few nights. And in most of my days I day dreamed about them. I begun to think I was Countess Olenska, Ian was Newland and Juliet, was May. In my own twisted mind we were in a love triangle.

It was a few weeks before Prom, I was a junior and Ian was a Senior, when I received a letter from him, handed to me by one of his noisy friends. It was tucked inside of a slum book which he asked me to fill up. Slumbooks were wildly popular then. You have to answers cheesy questions such as ” What is your motto?” or ” What is the name of your crush?” it was a really subtle way of getting someone to reveal which boy or girl they like.

To be continued…

Copyright 2013 JMKhapra

*This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Temporary Insanity: Justine’s Love Affair With Literature

When you think of yourself as character in a film or in a book how do you cast yourself in the story of your life? Are you the hero? The side kick or the villain? As long as I could remember I have always carried on an aura of a tragic anti hero bent on sabotaging herself until she drinks herself to death or something. Liam provided a climax for my story. Her mother putting the tip of a knife in her throat became the final straw to my then disintegrating life. Spiraling me down to that bottomless abyss where I plunged endlessly into the darkness.

Is the tendency to lean towards a melancholic existence part of my genetic inheritance or is it the kind of books I read which influenced my maudlin moods and disposition? My mother was a reticent woman but not pessimistic. She was a pragmatic woman who cared more about how to survive this life with dignity than indulge in romantic musings about life. I didn’t know my father so I have no way of knowing what the other half of my DNA might be like.

So I blame books. The tales of suffering and tragedies found in those wonderful novels filled my young mind with a skewed perception of life too early. My mother was an English literature teacher and it was her book of poems and short stories which lured me into the seductive and bittersweet world of literature. It started on that fateful day when I had grown tall enough able to reach the high shelf where those precious books were kept.

I opened a page and my life was never the same again. Neglected were my picture books. My Hardy Boys paper backs, even my Nancy Drews. As soon I had read these following verses there was no turning back.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach,

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height and my soul can reach! My God. I thought. To be so passionately in love! This was how I wanted to feel and nothing less. And I didn’t stop there. Being deeply in love was not enough it had to unrequited too. Nothing less than what Cathy and Heathcliff suffered in Wuthering Heights. I also fantasized of being magnanimous on my time of death and this would be the poem I would have send my lover as a farewell:

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

So you see early on I was set to screw my life.

Copyright 2013 JMKhapra

Poem 1 by Elizabeth Browning
How Do I Love Thee

Poem 2 by Christina Georgina Rossetti
When I am Dead, My Dearest

Temporary Insanity: Justine’s Lonely Childhood

Why do we choose the path we had taken? Why do we become the way we are? Are we truly only “nothing more than the sum of our memories and experiences” as Michael Scott has stated? I did the things I did because of what I became over the years. My childhood had greatly affected Liam’s childhood. What kind of person had I become that I could do such a thing? I would say I became who I was without resistance. I never felt I belong to the world I was born into, so I hid.I retreated.

When I was two years old my mother married a co teacher from the school where she was teaching. Out came three of my step siblings from that union. Of course I looked nothing like them. My step father was a good man though and I was not wanting in love and attention from the parents I came to know but even at a young age I know something was not quite right.

I got a lot of unwanted attention because of the color of my hair and of my eyes which was in that small town unlike anyone else. Although most people were curios about me I didn’t feel I was truly welcome among them. It didn’t help that the teachers who were working for that school on top of the mountain were also living inside the campus. I was already different but also isolated from the lively town below.

After classes were over during my primary years in school, my classmates would be walking down towards their homes in a bustling community at the foot of hill .These afternoon walks at the end of the day at school were very crucial in forming friendship. I missed out in a lot of gossiping, chit chat and fun because I had to stay behind the gates of the school compound where our house was. I often wondered if this was among the reasons why my group of friends never really regarded me as one them. Because of this I became fond of taking solitary afternoon walks in the nearby forest surrounding the school. Since solitude was my only friend I begun to cherish it. Once I would reach home in the early evenings the feeling of being the odd man out only resonates more as I walk towards the dining room where my three siblings, all heads bent over their books were, doing their homework with both of my parents helping them. They always made a lovely picture of the perfect family that I always prefered not to disturb their cozy circle. Retreating to my room, I would sought my favorite book to comfort me in my loneliness and there I escaped to a world where I felt I truly belong.

Copyright 2013 JMKhapra

* once again, this is a work of fiction only.

Temporary Insanity: Justine’s Mother

I know I said I am going to write about Liam today but first I want to rant about the shitty state of my country’s economy. I am not trying to make excuses but I guess the whole situation back home is partly to blame for what had happened.

Even after a decade of dramatic change of hands in the country’s governance nothing changed the plight of the Filipino people. Despite revolution after revolution, EDSA, EDSA dos, A failed coup de etat, impeachment dramas, the majority of the citizens still found themselves jobless and hopeless for the future.Forcing an exodus of workers from the Philippines to leave their own families and scatter globally to earn a living. Leaving damaged broken families and confused children in their wake. What is the relevance of this in my story you asked? Confused children grow up as restless adults and cause some damage along the way in the process of growing up. Sadly the cast of characters in this tale belong to this group. For I myself was an interracial baby. Liam’s father was an interracial baby.

My mother was a teacher who left for the United States to take care of American babies when she was 25 years old. Teachers were poorly paid in the country. Whatever she was earning was not enough to support a family of eight. Her five siblings, her mother who was a housewife and her father. Her father retired early from the military before achieving any significant rank due to a mishap in the field. Soldiers are also grossly underpaid and his pension was barely enough to pay for his medication. It was her firm belief that education will save their family from further poverty so bravely she left her homeland so she can send her brothers and sisters to college. But fate intervened. I can only surmise for she kept this part of her life untold even now, that during those lonely years abroad she had fallen in love with a white man. I suspected, a married man. She returned home in the 70s with a protruding belly. Her parents and her five siblings whom she supported while slaving away in a foreign household disowned her. It was a big scandal for a devout Catholic family like them to have a child out of wedlock at that time. My grandfathers and the society were less forgiving then unlike now when overtime raising babies without a father is met with just a nonchalant shrug . Ganyan talaga ang buhay. Life is like that. What can you do. My mother went to live with my aunt who was nurse in a government school in the province of Rizal. After giving birth to me she started teaching in the same school. And there I was born and there I grew up.


* this is a work of fiction and purely an invention of the writer’s imaginative mind. The characters in this story do not exist and any similarities to anyone is purely coincidental.

– copyright 2013 JMKhapra

Temporary Insanity

Only in the middle of the night when finally all is calm and quiet, my husband snoring softly by my side, my dog in deep slumber by my feet, can I start to weave the tale I am itching to tell. Figuring out the best way to narrate the story my thoughts darted to and pro in different directions. While I am processing it I felt this time I needed to record it.

I flung back the quilt that was covering me and tiptoed barefooted towards the dining room to grab my IPad from the table. I tried to be as quiet as possible upon returning to bed, careful not to disturb my boys in their blissful sleep.

The glare of the screen blinded me when I pushed the button to open the tablet. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to brightness of the white blank page I opened in Pages application.

After much hesitation, I decided this is it. I am just going to tell it how it was. Or Is.

I often ask my self why do I need to write this. Why do I need to tell this story. Will anyone be interested in what I have to say? Is there a lesson at the end? Is it a confession. An easing of guilt? A justification? I am not sure. But Iam compelled to write it.

My thoughts wandered to the image of my kids, sleeping safely and contended in each of their rooms. Sleeping soundly as innocents do. Loved and cared for by both parents, not a thing to worry about. Then I thought of another child, from far away, a casualty, a victim of the careless and selfishness of the young confused days. She must be 22 by now but when I met her she was just as young as my daughter. When I looked back in the past my memories of her was the thorn that pricks me every time my mind takes me to that period of my life. She was never gone from my mind completely and how it jolted me when I read the headline earlier in the day while I was checking the news from my country.

Starlet Overdosed on Cocaine Dead

Her name was Liam.

“Justine darling, come here. ” my husband was awaken by my stifled sobs. The dog stirred a little, let out a deep sigh and went back to sleep.

” Baby, I know you are very upset. Try to sleep now and write about it tomorrow.” He said kissing my forehead, I closed the IPad and tucked it under my pillow. I pushed the dog a little and snuggled close to my husband.

Tomorrow then, I will write about Liam.