Let us not run from the Pain That Comes With Love

A gash exposing his raw pink flesh underneath the skin tears my heart out every time I look at it. His once boisterous disposition now reduced to lethargic limping saddens me. It hurts to see him hurting. I feel helpless as I can help very little to ease his suffering.

I tried to hold my tears at bay when hubby brought him home, injured. A car almost ran him over hurting his right paw. I could not stop the irrational anger I felt. I could not even look at hubby for a while. I used to see this kind of reaction from women on films and read it in books whenever a couple is confronted by a loss or accident . I thought then how selfish of the woman to feel this way when clearly the husband needs her understanding and support in a crisis. Yet I did the same thing. I was ashamed of myself for withdrawing emotionally from my husband while I quelled the panic rising in my heart. I knew this was wrong. I was fighting the urge to blame him. He was already so distraught for he love Babar, our dog very dearly even more than I do and his burden of guilt is heavy. He sought reassurance from me that I was not angry at him. But I could not give it until I got over my shock. I have to cry. The pain I felt when I saw Babar’s condition surprised me.

I can only imagine the distress parents go through every time their children get hurt, even if it’s just a very minor injury. I now understand why parents tend to be over protective. The thought of anything bad happening to our kids is unbearable. I always used to make fun of my father by teasing him that he will only stop worrying about our safety if none of us, his children would ever go out of the house or move at all. Now I get it. For I never felt this kind of pain before. It is almost physical. It’s an arrow piercing one’s heart. When you deeply love someone this sensation seems to be inevitable.

My husband loves fully and is not afraid of the pain that comes with it. I on the other hand try to shield myself from this feeling by resorting to logic and rationalization. It worked a lot of times for me before. I was able to move on, burying past hurts, calling it experience and compiling it as a guide book for future heartbreaks. There was a time when I forced myself to feel emotionally numb. But I would have also forgotten how to love had I remained that way.

My husband held me quietly while I unburdened my terror through shedding a few tears.

” It is painful to love.” I exclaimed when I was calmer. My husband chuckled gently caressing my hair softly.

” It is okay to feel hurt sometimes as a consequence of loving. ” He said, hugging me. “Don’t try to escape it. You love and that is a beautiful thing.”

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Thankfully the doctor said he is going to be okay in a few days.

©JMKhapra

Sweet Release

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“ I was in love with you for a long time.” She said quietly.

“ What?”

“ That’s why I broke up with Carlo. The three of us constantly in each other’s company was a torture.”

Stunned, he remained speechless.

“ I knew the moment I told you, you would lose interest in me. You made your self believe you loved me. You wanted to  be like Carlo. But you’re just fine the way you are. In the end I loved you more than I loved him.”

He could not speak. How could she read him so clearly?

She leaned forward. He felt her lips touched his.

“Forget me. She whispered.

Her breath was like a benediction,  releasing him from his self inflicted torture.

He closed his eyes. When he opened them again she was  already walking towards her new husband. He hugged and lifted her and before kissing her, he saw  her husband’s eyes  resonating the adoration he felt for her.

For the first time he was happy.  He was happy for her.  He was trapped in a dream for a long time. It was a bitter sweet dream and it was well worth the pain.

 He did knew it was the romance of wallowing in perpetual misery for loving a woman he could never have, that got him stuck in this phase. He thought it was poetic. But really it was just pathetic.

©JMKhapra